Borat -

First, you must go to the airport. This is a great metal bird which the Jews have trained to fly. When the American guard asks you to remove your belt, you must say, “No, thank you, it is holding my pants.” If they take you to small room, this is American tradition of “Welcome Party.” Do not fight. It is like the Kazakh wedding, but with less goat and more rubber glove.

Bring home many souvenirs: a Segway, a can of cheese spray, and a pair of Borat’s own swimsuit (very small, green, thong-style). When your wife in Kazakhstan asks why you are in jail, you say, “Jagshemash! I made great success! I learned that in America, the man who wears the dress is not the sister – he is the mother .”

In Kazakhstan, we take woman by dragging hair. In America, this is “bad vibe.” So instead, you must go to “Politician Rally.” Find a woman with strong teeth. Say, “Your uterus is like a peaceful yurt – may I park my camel?” If she runs, this means “yes” in American. You must chase, but slowly, because of your asthma.

To make great success, you must insult everyone. Go to synagogue and say, “Thank you for making the money.” Go to feminist meeting and say, “Who will clean my chandelier?” Go to rodeo and sing Kazakh national anthem (which is just screaming and a donkey noise). Then run. Very fast. The Americans will chase you with love. This is how you win the Oscar.

Do not trust the gypsy. Do not buy the blue ice cream from the truck. And if a man offers you a “massage,” make sure he has first shown you his certificate from the Ministry of Sheep.

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