Animal House Access

The trouble began with a squirrel. Not any squirrel—a wiry, manic looter named Chestnut. Chestnut had been casing the bird feeder for weeks. One Tuesday, he managed to squeeze through a gap in the attic eaves. He emerged in the living room just as a cake—baked by a surprisingly dexterous raccoon named Margot—was cooling on the counter.

He opened the door and descended. The basement was finished—nice, even, with a rug and a sofa. And there, arranged in a semicircle, sat a tabby cat, a one-eyed pug, a crow, a parakeet on a miniature perch, a raccoon, and a squirrel holding a single, perfect maraschino cherry. Animal House

The lamp shattered. The crash was loud enough to wake a real neighbor: Mrs. Gable from next door, a woman whose hobbies included knitting and filing noise complaints. The trouble began with a squirrel

"I’m losing my mind," he muttered.

Harold arrived at 9 PM with a spare key, a flashlight, and a deep sense of dread. He unlocked the door. The house was silent. Dust motes danced in the beam. He walked to the kitchen. No animals. No cake. Just a clean counter and a faint whiff of lemon polish. One Tuesday, he managed to squeeze through a

Harold smiled. "Alright," he said. "But I get the bedroom with the working radiator."