I tried to edit a stop-motion film of Hobbes eating my last bowl of Chocolate Frosted Sugar Bombs. Premiere Pro has about 18,000 windows. I clicked one called “Render.” Now my computer has been thinking for three hours. Hobbes says the computer is having an existential crisis. I agree.

This one is actually cool. I made my name explode into glittering shards of fire while ominous music played. Then I made it do it again, backwards. I could rule the world with After Effects. Or at least make a better homework excuse video.

Why does there need to be a “bridge” between my files? Can’t they just walk across themselves? This is bureaucracy, not creativity.

For Calvin, it’s a very expensive way to draw exploding school buses and blame the computer for his own refusal to learn layers. Two paws down… unless you want to see a six-year-old have a meltdown. Then it’s five stars. ⭐ (one star, because the crash dialog box has a funny error chime I can imitate). Final Verdict from Hobbes: ⭐⭐⭐⭐ (four stars, minus one because Calvin exists).

I made a picture of myself flying a jet-powered wagon attacking the school bus. Then I added a layer of fire. Then I changed my head to a tyrannosaur. Then the program crashed. I lost everything. This is the kind of tyranny that makes me want to move to Mars and start my own country. (Hobbes says: “You forgot to save, Calvin.”) I SHOULDN’T HAVE TO SAVE. IT SHOULD KNOW HOW AWESOME MY WORK IS.